Thursday, December 15, 2011

SWPLing, The Art of Living Local, Thinking Global

The day started out innocently enough.  I consumed a package of Quaker oatmeal that I had purchased from Costco along with a small Dole banana (the banana was smaller than my fully erect penis).  I washed this healthy breakfast down with a glass of fortified 100% store branded grape juice and burped.

I left my cell phone and computer at home since I did not want to be distracted by technology.  Is our constant need to stay connected a disease that can be cured?

My recently bought blue Korean car needed gas so I drove to the nearby Shell station to fill up.  It only cost $26 and I was pretty low on gas.  I love new car.  I had to drive downtown to take care of some work related business but other than that I had no other obligations for the day.  I decided that I would forfeit my personal sense of agency for the day and instead let myself become the subject.  I would let adventure act upon me rather than seek it.

I cruised down the highway, windshield wipers steadily wiping away the steady fall of rain,  more than occasionally checking my instrument panel to make sure that I was conserving gas.   A recent obsession that I can't seem to shake.  I would constantly check the average MPG and get a rush of joy whenever it soared to 40 MPG and feel glum when it plummeted below 35 MPG.  Korean cars are quite efficient.  I am a person who cares about the environment.

I finished my business and felt strangely free.  I decided to go to the public library as I had to return a borrowed copy of Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood, a fine novel that I had finished in one day.  I dropped off the book and thought about staying in the library to read and people watch, but decided against it.  The homeless people  didn't smell so great today.  Besides, I was in a spending mood.

I had been ordering two books a week from Amazon and checking one book out from the library for the last month or so as part of a project to satisfy my literary hunger.  But today, I decided that I would support a local business and not give my money to the soulless corporation enslaving Chinese and Indian programmers known as Amazon (which ironically enough, I own stock in).  Reflecting back on my recent book buying binge, I experienced a twinge of hypocritical guilt.  My paycheck is dependent on people who have made the commitment to shop local yet I was taking their money and not doing the same.  So I decided to go to the last independent book store (and one of the only ones remaining in the US) in town to purchase a book that I had been eyeing on Amazon.  It was available for the low price of  $11.76 with free two day shipping, but I knew I would have to pay much more at the book store.  I drove to the book store, parked, and walked in.

There were a lot more people in there than I expected.  I presumed the unexpected flurry of activity was caused by the holiday season.  I was on a mission to find a book so I headed straight towards fiction W and found a bright display of the book I was looking for complete with a miniature handwritten review from one of the store employees.  Oh, the joys of independent book stores.

I quickly scanned through the pages and then proceeded to the registers, where I was promptly helped by a smartly dressed white girl manager who I will bet voted for Obama and supports socialism.  People who work in bookstores, especially independent ones, are like that.  She was friendly and charged me $17.99 plus tax for the book.  I  was very satisfied with paying that premium amount as I knew part of that money would go towards helping the nice liberal employees there pay for their weekly organic groceries.  Go Local!

I walked out shielding my new book from the rain and sidled back into my Korean car.  What to do next?  I drove out of the parking lot and went to search for a good coffee shop where I could finish reading Haruki Murakami's The Wind Up Bird Chronicles.  I've been on a Murakami tear lately, if you can't tell already.

The first independent coffee shop I hit up didn't have any parking spaces so I decided to venture out to another one of my favorites by the lake.  Who would ever buy stuff from the evil corporation Starbucks in this town when there are so many superior INDEPENDENT LOCAL options?  I parked my car and walked into the coffee shop.  I was instantly hit by the romantic scent of roasting coffee beans. A fat girl with pink hair took my order after fumbling around with the espresso machine.  She apologized for the wait and I told her it was OK (it was not OK that she was very fat, however).  I exchanged $6.00 for a bottomless cup of coffee, a cookie, and $.76 in change, which I promptly deposited in the tips jar, out of pity for the fat pink haired girl.

Mug in hand, I wandered over to the coffee containers to select a flavor.  I decided on a bold blend that had both Colombian and African beans which meant that I was helping both poor Campesinos and Negroes.

Inside or outside?  It was raining but the temperature was mild so I decided on outside.  There, I could take in the view of the lake and the expensive houses on the hill.  I whipped out my book and started reading all while keeping an eye out for lonely attractive Asian gals (Unfortunately I am a ethnocentric racist and am not sexually interested in non-yellow women).  I figured I looked pretty sophisticated and attractive reading Murakami while sipping ethical coffee.

It's a good book, you should read it.  I read for four hours and covered two hundred and fifty seven pages.  There was one Chinese girl wearing a strange rectangular shaped backpack that caught my attention.  She was meeting her Chinese girlfriend who was not surprisingly enough dating a white guy.  At least, that was my impression.  She looked decent from a distance, but as I got a better glimpse of her face and body, I became disappointed.  Her face was too big and her ass flat and wide.  A 4 at best.  Damn.  I returned to my book which was far more sexually intriguing.

I left the coffee shop at around 8 and headed for Whole Foods Market.  It's one of the best places to people watch and good or bad, I always run into people I know there.  I drove to Whole Foods and parked in the basement.  There were a lot of people.

I aimlessly walked around the store checking out items and people.  I didn't need anything in particular.  Jeans and dress shoes seem to be a growing trend here in Austin.  There was one thickly built bald man who wore a long leather coat who I liked.  He was an interesting character.

Then I found what I was looking for.  A display of $14.99 (originally $24.99) Threads 4 Thought hoodies made of recyclable material.  How cool.  Of course they were unisexually sized, the only gender-proper way of doing things.  Did you know that physical separation of apparel items into gender categories is part of a violently oppressive scheme by non-progressives to socially construct an gender inelastic world?  In essence, by designating a garment "For men", a company is submitting to an oppressive gender construct and being sexist.  Moreover, the article of clothing itself may begin to harbor sexist intentions.  Scary, I know, but it's happening at retail stores all across the globe.  This is why you should buy stock in American Apparel and women should stop buying stuff from Victoria's Secret.  In the future, males will wear dresses and women will wear ties.  Look where progress has taken us so far.  Women, being liberated from the gender-constraining meta-narrative imbued in the dress, now wear jeans and pants.  Women have made significant progress towards equality in the realm of apparel.   When will men be liberated into the allure of Victoria's Secret and start wearing panties?  I'd say it is only a matter of time before that happens (there are actually weird men on the internet who do this...shudder).

I bought this on-sale!  It's a large and fits pretty well on me.
This is my first article clothing that is "sustainable".  I have no idea what "sustainable" actually means but it sounds cool and hip, so I am guessing it must be good.  Clever trick with the "New York City" and "Los Angeles" since that's where all the cool chic people live and work.  I don't get the U.S of A part.  What does it mean?  It's made in Pakistan.  
I feel very socially responsible.  I get to save the environment and help third-world people at the same time!  It doesn't get any better than this.  This is excellent marketing that will be super-effective on white people who shop at Whole Foods.  It worked on me!

I ended up just buying the hoodie and a box of organic vegetarian lentil soup.  It was a good day at Whole Foods.  I am sure John Mackey, the Randian CEO of Whole Foods, was smiling at me from his office.  I like Ayn Rand too. Too bad I didn't see any cute Asian girls during my time there.  

I spent around $50 today living local.  You should try it sometime.  It's actually a fairly enjoyable experience.  Later guys.

Check out the Threads for Thought Website.
They are marketing geniuses.  Notice the "support our troops" on the right and the peace sign on the left.  The irony is complete.

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